Shule101

How to manage high school academic expectations despite the stressors of burnout and school violence.
By: Gregory Germain, MD

The pressure for teens nowadays is unprecedented. With so many high-achieving kids, it’s no wonder that teens—and their parents—feel as if a child has to have a multi-page resume, be a world-class athlete or manage her own business by the time she is 18. But that just isn’t possible for everyone. There are lots of kids out there who are just that—kids—and there is a place for everyone. And a college for everyone.
Staying Focused On Schoolwork

There is no denying that these teen years set the stage for your child’s future. In high school, grades and extracurricular activities become part of that all-important “permanent record.” And if your child wants to get into a good college, she will have to go the extra mile.

If your child doesn’t use her time wisely and puts her schoolwork off to concentrate on her social life or after-school activities–and if her grades are showing this–gently prod her to get back to business. Remind her that her job right now is to get good grades and be a well-rounded student. Stay in contact with your child’s teachers and become a known figure around school. She will realize that you care deeply about her education—and her.

When School is Scary
There are other factors that may be keeping your teen from doing her best at school. Besides bullying (a longtime but nonetheless devestating concern), a serious issue facing many schools today is the presence of violence and atmosphere of fear. Every time there is another school shooting, kids all over the country have to overcome the terror of the thought that this can happen to them.

Many schools have instituted a policy of zero tolerance when it comes to guns (and drugs). But the means to attain this—metal detectors, drug-sniffing dogs—can also be frightening. Unfortunately, there is just no way around it. This is the world we live in. Comfort your child, let her know that the odds of this happening to her are very low, and remind her that protective systems are in place and that she still must concentrate on school.

Preventing and Dealing with Burnout
School pressure can come from teachers and parents, and it can also come from the child herself. Some pressure is good—it keeps a teen’s eye on the prize at the end of four years: The college of her choice.
But too much pressure, whether it comes from an adult or the child, is counterproductive and will lead to burnout. Make sure your teen balances her schoolwork and her life outside it, and remind her that these overwhelming years are a transition into adulthood.

Alternative School Programs
If your child is one of the thousands of kids who just doesn’t seem to be able to handle school, it isn’t the end of the world. Talk to your teen about the consequences of dropping out, and if all else fails try to find an alternative program.

Helping your children succeed in school and beyond is easy. Just get involved.
by Moira McCarthy

What if I told you an act as simple as showing up to lend a hand at your child’s school fair or taking a seat at the school’s PTO or PTA meeting could lead your child to a successful school career with excellent grades, graduation kudos, a secure college acceptance and, eventually, total world domination?

OK, it might not be that easy, but follow me: When my first child began school some 15 years ago, I was a young mother and new to our suburban town. My husband and I had chosen the town for two reasons: affordability of housing and proximity to my workplace.

As my first child began to walk and my second child came into the world, I knew only a few people; I hadn’t bonded with the group I remembered my own mother hanging with: the involved parents who not only helped make things happen but supported their children in all their efforts.

At the groundbreaking of a new library in town, I talked with an older mom briefly. She asked me what I thought of the town, and I answered her honestly: “I’m not sure there’s anyone I can relate to.”

She smiled, patted me on the back, and said simply, “It will all work itself out when Leigh starts school. You’ll meet them all at the PTO meeting.”

Was she ever right. Today, with Leigh well into her sophomore year at a prestigious college (after graduating near the top of her high school class) I can safely say things seem to be working out, and I can trace it all back to that first day I stepped into a school volunteer situation.

It was the planning meeting for the Family Fair, and despite having worked for years as a crime reporter, I was scared. Since I was a relatively young mom (28 when Leigh started kindergarten), I felt a bit like the Junior Girl Scout peeking in on the Gold Circle Ceremony. And I quite literally knew almost no one. Looking at the group as I walked in, they looked so tight. So connected. So already a club. Would they accept me? Could I really be one of them?

They did, and I am. Because the fact is, school volunteer groups are hungry for parents like me—parents who are not only interested in being a part of their child’s education but also willing to do what’s necessary to keep the school running the way it should.

Parents can sometimes be scared off from volunteering. They work; it’s hard to find the time. They don’t know anyone; it seems like such a tight group. They’ll be asked to run major events that professional planning companies would struggle with. Be assured, as you consider volunteering on behalf of your child, there is a place and a time commitment for everyone.

The great thing is, no matter what you have to give, we all get the same in return: a feeling of partnership with our children and their school. A feeling of belonging in that community. You’ll be setting an example for your children, telling them that school, and all it is about, is an important part of their world right now. And you’ll make friends.

As the top students were called to the stage at my older daughter’s high school graduation, I noticed something amazing: They were all children of the parents I’d met around the PTO table. I leaned over to one mom, tapped her on the shoulder, and said, “We must have picked the right crafts for crafts night!” She knew just what I meant.

So as you start your child’s school year, whether you’re a newbie like I was or just been away from it for a while like many others, give school volunteering a chance. You’ll be most welcome. And when your child is leader of the free world, you can trace it all back to running the hula-hoop contest on Field Day. I know I’m going to.

How To Get Involved
School parent groups are about building a supportive community where teachers, administrators, and students can do their best work. Here are just a few ways you might be able to help.

• Serve as a guest reader in your child’s classroom
• Talk to a class about your job or hobby
• Design a booth for the school carnival
• Volunteer as a translator
• Staff a school welcome desk
• Serve as a resource for parents of incoming students
• Help children pick out books at the book fair
• Record a cassette tape for students to read along with
• Participate in a phone tree to help schedule parent volunteers
• Collect recyclables to be used in the classroom
• Coach students in organizational skills
• Enter fundraising orders on the computer
• Help with school cleanup or landscaping
• Organize a school talent night
• Type up class lists
• Serve on a school council or advisory board
• Rate This Article (Click on a star)

By: Joan E. LeFebvre
At some point, most of us have been witness to a painful scene: A child’s separation-anxiety meltdown. It goes something like this: A three-year-old wails “Don’t leave me here! I wanna go hooome!” as his frazzled mother attempts to loosen the iron grip he managed to establish on her leg. Clearly, no amount of lighthearted “won’t-today-be-fun” banter on the drive to preschool had managed to stave off this episode. She probably dared to believe he was prepared, hoping against hope for a nonchalant kiss on the cheek and breezy wave goodbye. But nope. She found herself in the octopus-like clutches of a child with separation anxiety.

Although a strong relationship with parents helps children to cope with their anxiety as the time for goodbyes approaches, first “big” separations can be challenging for child and parent alike. As soon as babies have the capacity to remember a parent, beginning at approximately seven months of age, many children weep as though they’ve been eternally forsaken when mom or dad walks out the door. Toddlers cling koala-like to their mothers when they sense her imminent departure.

Separation fears may be more intense in children who are temperamentally “slow-to-warm-up” and have difficulty making transitions or entering new situations. They can experience a variety of emotions such as anger, guilt, jealousy, confusion, hurt, and fear. Preschool children may regress to outgrown behavior like whining, crying, and bed-wetting, or may become more aggressive and demanding. So what can be done to minimize the chance that your child will suffer from fears of separation?

Security Blanket or Favorite Toy
Linus was onto something: A favorite toy or blanket can help your child feel more confident and secure. Research shows that children who are given “transitional objects” cry less when they are separated from their parents. These children are also able to explore their environment more actively and focus on and learn new tasks better than children not in the possession of a favorite item.

No Parental Guilt!
Parents often feel guilty and distressed about their child’s natural reaction to a separation and may unwittingly prolong and reinforce a separation reaction. There are two ways in which a parent can go wrong here: By leaving too soon and by not leaving soon enough. You walk a fine line, and choosing the perfect moment to make your move can be tricky. But whatever you do, be sure to say goodbye. Don’t just sneak out as soon as your child’s attention is diverted. On the other hand, don’t linger. Reassure your preschooler through your words and your actions that everything will be fine in your absence and that you will come back for him soon.

Suggestions for Parents
Before you leave, tell the child you are going, and mention when you will return. It may help to say something like “…and I’ll pick you up at 11 o’clock just like last week” to enable her to imagine the duration of her separation from you. In order to bear being apart, a child must know that the parent will return.

After you say you are leaving, go! If you linger because of the child’s whining, then you are teaching your child that whining is an effective way to get what he wants.

Expressing affection for your child is appropriate, but separation is made more difficult if you, the parent, verbally or nonverbally express ambivalence, guilt, worry, or uncertainty about leaving the child. Be confident! The parent’s emotional response to separation is a common cause of the child’s emotional response.

Practice with brief separations first. Show your child that you return reliably.

Don’t be late picking your child up! Be on time, or even a little early. Children can get very distressed, feeling abandoned if all the other children have been picked up and they’re “left alone.”

Provide a consistent routine that children can count on, and stick with it. Most adults feel more secure when they know what’s going to happen next. Children have an even greater need for routine.

Allow children some time to get accustomed to new people. Kids feel more secure when they know and trust their caregivers. If your child is slow to adapt to new situations, she may even need a few weeks to transition. Patience is key.

Separation anxiety is normal; to children, separation is the most threatening of all situations. On rare occasions, however, it may be a red flag that there’s a problem that you should know about. Talk to your child and your day care provider about what your child experiences at day care. Perhaps she gets teased by other children or is afraid of the class’s pet guinea pig. Maybe he thinks the teacher looks like mean Uncle Albert! Whatever the cause, when separation anxiety persists it makes sense for you to be proactive and sleuth out the reason so that it can be addressed and overcome.

Never Threaten a Child With Separation
Parents sometimes resort to threatening little children with “going away” in order to frighten them into better behavior. It’s true this often results in some improvement in the child’s conduct, since the possibility of losing a parent is so upsetting that he will do anything to avoid it. But these threats may also produce extreme anxiety in the child. Basically this kind of threat tells the child that you would be willing and able to leave him at any time. A bad act, he realizes, might cause him to lose his parents forever. Better for the child to be confident that he can count on your love and support through thick and thin.

To Sum It Up
Be patient and thorough when explaining the reason for your departure to your child. Doing so can help her feel confident that you will return, and that she hasn’t done anything “bad” to make you leave. Because young children lack a real understanding of cause and effect, they may not be clear on points that you consider obvious. If your child does regress to outgrown behavior, you may need to adjust your expectations and standards. Strive to establish a consistent routine. Pay particular attention to basic needs such as sleep, meals and exercise. Your child needs to feel that you are dependable, that he can count on you to do as you say you will. Use separations as opportunities to build the level of trust between you.

With all the stomachaches and sniffles that come along with childhood, it can be hard to know when to keep a sick child home from school.

Most schools have policies that spell out how sick is too sick to go to class. Although policies vary from one community to the next, in general, children should go to school if they have cold symptoms without a fever and stay home if they have an infectious condition or a cold with fever. In addition, students should stay home if they have any of the following:

• Diarrhea
• Vomiting
• Coughs that produce phlegm
• Thick, yellow nasal discharge
• Fever of more than 100 degrees that lasts more than 24 hours
• Flu

Among the most common illnesses seen by school nurses are the flu, impetigo, conjunctivitis, head lice, and pertussis, according to Susan Marley, an executive committee member with the National Association of School Nurses. She recommends the following for these common conditions: Flu: Children should stay home until they go at least 24 hours without a fever.

Impetigo: This bacterial skin infection forms open sores and crusty scabs, usually on the face, arms, or legs. If your child has an open sore that you suspect is impetigo, it should be checked by a doctor before coming to school. Conjunctivitis (pinkeye): Pinkeye may be caused by a virus or bacteria or may result from an allergic reaction. See a doctor to determine whether your child’s pinkeye is contagious.

Head lice: If you think your child might have head lice, have the school nurse take a look. If evidence of lice is found, your child should stay home until all lice and nits have been removed. Pertussis (whooping cough): Because pertussis is highly contagious, you should take your child to the doctor right away if you suspect that your child has it.

Ringworm: Have the school nurse check out possible cases of ringworm and determine whether the child needs to see a doctor. If a diagnosis of ringworm is confirmed, the child should be treated before going back to school. In addition to following these guidelines when your child is sick, consider your child’s ability to interact with others and pay attention in class.

Even if a child is recovering from an illness and is technically well enough to go to school, it may be in the child’s best interest to stay home and rest, Marley says. “If they’re still very sleepy and irritable,” she says, “they’re going to have a harder time learning and socializing in school.”

How to Tell (and What to Do) When There Is a Delay
By: Kevin Klein

My friends Dave and Patricia have two kids, Xavier and Declan. They’re what are technically known as “beautiful” boys: huge eyes, long lashes, button noses, and mischievous grins. Both are sociable and cuddly, but while six-year-old Xavier speaks like an adult, two-year-old Declan doesn’t talk yet.

In fact, until a month ago Declan had not even begun to babble or imitate the outside world. He laughed, cried, and screamed with gusto, but the critical aspect of language development was missing. Fortunately, Patricia is trained to help kids with special needs, and she and Dave have been able to get Declan the help that he needed.

Chances are if your child is developmentally delayed, you and your pediatrician will pick up on milestones that just aren’t being met.

Checking Developmental Milestones
The first step in recognizing possible delays in development is to compare your child’s abilities with the expectations for the average child at his or her age. The following milestones for social interaction and language skills come from First Signs, Inc., a national non-profit organization dedicated to educating parents and pediatric professionals about the early warning signs of autism and other developmental disorders.

Four months: Follows and reacts to bright colors, movement, and objects. Turns toward sounds. Shows interest in watching faces. Returns smiles.

Seven to eight months: Sits unsupported. Imitates sounds. Crawls. Claps, points, waves. Bangs two objects together. Understands “no” from your tone of voice.

12 months: Uses a few gestures to get needs met and likes using hands to communicate, share, or point. Will turn to a person speaking or when his name is called. Plays peek-a-boo or other social games. Makes rudimentary mono-syllabic sounds such as “ma,” “ba,” “da,” and “ga.”

15 months: Exchanges smiles, vocalizations, and gestures with you. Uses pointing and other motions to draw attention to something, uses voice to get needs met or garner attention. May be able to speak and understand three or four words, such as “momma,” “poppa,” “bottle,” or “bye-bye.”

18 months: Uses lots of gestures as well as words to get needs met, like pointing or taking you by the hand and directing you to something. Uses at least four different consonants in babbling or words, shows that he knows the names of familiar people or body parts by pointing to or looking at them when named, and plays simple pretend games (like feeding a doll).

24 months: Engages in complex pretend play (such as feeding a doll then putting it to sleep). Uses and understands at least 50 words and can string words together. Enjoys being with children of the same age and is interested in playing with them and/or sharing toys. Looks for a familiar object out of sight when asked about its whereabouts.

36 months: Enjoys pretend play with different characters and with a story line, enjoys playing with other children, uses thoughts/actions together with speech to communicate and play. Will answer simple “who,” “what,” and “where” questions easily and talks about things in the past and the future.

It’s important for parents to remember that a chart of milestones can’t take the place of a screening test performed by a specialist. Rather, the milestones chart will only help parents know whether they should raise their concerns—and also how they can explain those concerns to the doctor. For parents who want more specific resources before consulting with a doctor, there are screening tools available for order online. The medical testing company Forepath (www.forepath.org) offers its PEDS Child Development Screening Test over the Internet for a small fee. The online test also includes the M-CHAT (Modified Checklist for Autism in Toddlers) for parents whose children are over 18 months but younger than five.

Talking to Your Child’s Doctor
Once you’ve identified areas of suspected delay in your child’s development, make an appointment with your general practitioner or pediatrician. While these doctors rarely get involved in the diagnosis and treatment of developmental disorders, it is generally necessary to get a referral from them for a consultation with the appropriate specialists. To confirm her suspicion that Declan was undergoing a developmental delay in language, Patricia checked a range of milestone charts. She saw that Declan’s problem-solving, cognitive, and motor skills were all normal; however, he was several months overdue for milestones in receptive language (understanding what is spoken to him) as well as expressive language (speaking to others). She took him to the family practitioner, who referred her to a speech pathologist and an audiologist.

Visiting the Specialists

As in Declan’s case, the referral from a general practitioner or pediatrician will usually include more than one specialist. The audiologist found that Declan’s hearing was at the lowest level of the normal range; due to repeated ear infections, he has fluid in his middle ear that will require tubes to drain.

Hearing plays a significant role in children’s development of language, especially in children up to three years, who fall into what the National Institute on Deafness and Other Communicative Disorders has termed the critical period for language development. The expectation is that Declan’s language abilities will jump once his hearing improves; if they don’t, however, there may be other problems preventing his development and further tests by other specialists (such as psychologists and neurologists) would be undertaken.
After the audiologist’s testing, the speech pathologist did a developmental assessment on Declan and determined that his receptive language development was six-months delayed and his expressive speech was twelve-months delayed. The specialist recommended speech therapy every two weeks. After two months of therapy, Declan’s vocabulary increased from two to 25 words. Declan’s story is turning out well so far, thanks to early and rapid intervention. His mother knew exactly what kind of assessments to expect and which treatments would be recommended depending on the results. However, for concerned parents who feel overwhelmed by a lack of understanding about their child’s problems, specialist visits can be intimidating.

Managing Problems
While some developmental delays can be overcome through treatment, as in Declan’s case, often the assessment of these delays can lead to the diagnosis of one of a range of Pervasive Developmental Disorders (PDDs), the most commonly known of which is autism. PDDs are often called Autism Spectrum Disorders because they are classified by the severity of the symptoms present. For example, autistic children have significant deficits in social interaction and communication and they tend to engage in repetitive behaviors such as rocking and stroking or tapping themselves. By comparison, children with Asperger’s can use language much more effectively, although one symptom of Asperger’s is a fixation on an object to the extent that the person speaks to others mainly about that object, regardless of social situation. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, symptoms of PDDs can be detected in children as early as from birth to one year. In terms of assessment and treatment, doctors will generally refer to a child psychologist or psychiatrist if a PDD is suspected. Treatment can help alleviate symptoms of PDDs (for the child as well as the child’s family), but as the term “pervasive” suggests, these disorders cannot be outgrown or cured. Finally, a word on recognizing, testing, and treating sensory integration problems. The concept behind these problems has been around since the late 1970s, when occupational therapist A. Jane Ayres presented a theory unifying some children’s highly exaggerated sensory responses—of touch, taste, sight, smell, and sound—under the term Sensory Integration Dysfunction (SID).
For example:

A child with auditory defensiveness may cover his ears and throw a tantrum if his kindergarten class sings a song together.

A child with tactile defensiveness may violently resist wearing shoes or may be agitated by the inside tags in her clothing.

More detailed descriptions of children with SID can be found on the website for Carol Kranowitz’s benchmark book on SID, The Out-of-Sync Child. Perhaps because SID has been largely studied and treated by occupational therapists rather than psychologists, and because its definitions are still being clarified, SID does not appear in the DSM-IV, the official manual of mental disorders. Diagnosis and treatment of SID, then, must usually be undertaken by an occupational therapist certified to administer the Sensory Integration and Praxis Tests (SIPT). While not categorized as an Autism Spectrum Disorder, SID presents parents with the similar challenge of early detection and intervention—not because SID can be cured, but so that the child and his family know how best to minimize and adjust to the symptoms.

Kids are often reluctant to talk about bullying. Here’s how to spot it and what to do if your child is a victim.
by Evelyn Beck

Bullying is all too common among school-age children. In 2005, one out of four children had been a recent victim of bullying. As a parent, the challenges include identifying when your child has been bullied and determining the best response.

First, it’s important to be alert to signals that something is wrong. “If your child is not sleeping, not enjoying herself, not eating, or eating too much, you know there’s something going on,” says Stan Davis, author of two anti-bullying books and publisher of the website Stop Bullying Now. “That’s an indication to increase the amount of time you’re spending with her. And point out what you’re seeing. Say ‘You don’t seem happy. What’s going on?’ ”

He cautions that the root of the unhappiness may simply be puberty or other anxieties. But spending time together doing activities you both enjoy can be a way to help your child heal as well as a way for you to glean more information.

If your child is being bullied, determine the seriousness of the behavior and whether it is being repeated. On the low end of the spectrum, if another child is sticking his tongue out at your child or acting unfriendly, you may just want to help your child deal with that. In that case, Davis says, “It’s fine to acknowledge that there are people who enjoy being mean and that young people will have distress but will have to get used to it.”

Kids can also distance themselves from this kind of bully. But understanding the need to do that can be hard for children, who tend to see only two kinds of people: friends and enemies. Parents can help them understand that there are also people you just avoid.

In the middle range might be name-calling. Davis advises asking your child what he has already tried before offering advice; that way, you won’t look stupid by suggesting ideas that have failed. Then strategize for other possible approaches. If those don’t work, it’s time to involve the school.

Then there is behavior that Davis calls “completely intolerable.” This could include threats or physical harm. In this case, involve the school immediately. But don’t overreact when speaking to your child or to the school. “It’s important for parents to have a real good check on their own emotionality before talking to their child,” he says. “The problem with showing that emotion is that the child may think Dad’s blood pressure is going up and won’t tell him the next time. Or the child worries that you’ll charge in angrily to the school and make things worse.”

The School’s Role
One solution you might expect from the school is increased supervision. “We see these problems with bullying happening during unstructured times during the day, when there are low levels of adult supervision—during transitions to and from classes, on playgrounds, during lunch periods, that’s when schools could be more active in supervising the behaviors of students.”

Another solution is that parents ask the school to separate misbehaving kids. There needs to be a concerted effort in breaking up these subcultures of bullies. The school can place them in different classes, for example.

It takes a unified commitment to ending the behavior of bullying and that targeting one particular child will not work. It takes focusing change on the whole schoolwide environment and the classroom climate, as well. It takes parents being very vocal and advocating for their kids. At the school level, it takes parents, teachers, administrators, support staff, cafeteria workers, and janitors supervising students—and the students having a voice, as well, and making a pledge not to bully or to tolerate this behavior.

You might also ask the school to encourage other kids to spend time with your child as an antidote to the social isolation that can result from bullying. Other students may stay away from the kid getting picked on, or they’re embarrassed that they didn’t do anything to help. Such isolation can be even more damaging than the bullying.

If the school is unable or unwilling to solve the problem, then approach the school board or superintendent.
What’s most important is to take action. Involve the school very early when you start to see these problems. Two-thirds of students feel that schools and adults in general do a poor job responding to bullying.

Tips to Prepare Kids for the Big Day

By: Leigh Felesky

“Will my teacher be nice? Where will I sit? Will the other kids like me?” Many kids get nervous about heading back to school. A big part of a successful first week is establishing a routine and explaining where the bathroom is, what happens when you go to gym class and when to expect recess. With a little preparation, parents can help. Here’s how to make your child’s transition a smooth one.

Get Ready! Don’t underestimate the fun and importance of new stuff for the big day. With younger kids, a bag full of school supplies, a new backpack and a few new items of clothing tend to gear them up without any further encouragement. For an older child, this may be the time to give the thumbs-up to that must-have trend item.

Show Them the Way. If she’s new to the school, show your child her classroom, what entrance and exit to use and where the bathroom is located. If she’s taking the bus, visit the bus stop location and explain how to get on and off, especially if it’s the first time. Show her the drop off and pick up spot at school, too—if you’re not sure where it will be, call the school ahead of time to find out.

Prepare the Teacher. Let your child’s teacher know about any specifics about behaviour or health, such as a bladder infection. You don’t want a child to have a bad experience because he’s asking to go to the bathroom every half hour and the teacher says, ‘No,’ thinking he doesn’t need to go so frequently but really he does.

Be Organized. Ease back-to-school anxiety by being prepared. Help your child to lay out her clothes and pack her backpack the night before. Be sure to include a healthy lunch and a snack that your child can open and eat on his own.

Take It Easy. Preparation is great—but don’t go overboard. You’re the best judge of when your child needs reassurance, and how to go about giving it. In the end, remember that it’s normal to feel a little nervous or fluttery about that first week back. Everyone, including the teachers, feels like that.

Finding out how things are going in your child’s life sometimes takes a bit of strategizing. These tips and questions can help you get the conversation started.
by Patti Ghezzi

One day your child tells you everything, from the consistency of the macaroni and cheese in the cafeteria to the hard words on the spelling test to the funny conversation she had with her best friend.
The next day…poof.
Parent: “So, what’s going on at school?”
Child: “Nothing.”

For many parents, the information they receive about what’s happening at school ebbs and flows, especially once their kids hit 10 or 11 years of age. Even younger children may be reluctant sometimes to share the details of school life.

It doesn’t mean that something’s wrong or that you’re somehow missing a key piece of the parenting puzzle. It may simply be that your child is asserting independence and craving a little privacy. “No one tells parents this,” says Peter Sheras, a clinical psychologist and professor at the University of Virginia who specializes in adolescent relationships, family relationships, and stress. “Parents feel they are not very good at parenting.”
Of course, that’s not the case. You might just need to tweak your approach. Don’t interrogate, Sheras says. Kids don’t want to be grilled. Be subtle; be patient. Learn to listen intently to the words your child does offer. Watch your child’s body language and demeanor. Avoid yes-or-no questions if possible, and be specific. Try escalating—starting with simple questions and gradually delving into more sensitive topics.

If all else fails, wait it out. Try again later with a different approach, such as choosing a different time of day to start a conversation or taking your child out for a burger before asking questions. In a place where she’s comfortable, she might feel more talkative.

Don’t start the conversation with “We need to have a talk,” Sheras says: “That’s when a child dives under the table.”
Here are some questions that can help you get started.
1.    “I know you were stressed out about that math test. How did it go?”
2.    “I’m really proud of how well you’re doing in school. What are you studying these days that really interests you?”
3.    “You seem to have some good teachers this year. Which one is your favorite?”
4.    “If you could make up a teacher from scratch, a perfect teacher, what would he or she be like?”
5.    “When I was your age, I really didn’t like social studies. I just didn’t see the point in studying how people in Russia lived or what kind of languages Native Americans spoke. What subject are you really not liking these days?”
6.    “What’s your favorite time of day at school?”
7.    “What do you think about your grades? How does your report card compare with what you were expecting?”
8.    “We used to have the meanest boy in my class when I was your age. I still remember what a bully he was. Do you have anyone like that in your class?”
9.    “I’ve been reading a lot in the news about kids picking on other kids. What about at your school? Is that happening?”
10.    “I’m hearing a lot about bullying on the Internet. It sounds a little scary, but I really don’t know what it’s all about. Can you tell me about it?”
11.    “I noticed a few new kids in your class. Which ones have you been able to get to know? What are they like?”
12.    “I know it was hard for you when Kenny transferred to a different school. How’s it going without your best friend around?”
13.    “Who did you sit with at lunch today?”
14.    “I’m sorry you didn’t get invited to Sarah’s birthday party. I know you’re disappointed. How have things changed between you and Sarah now that you’re not in the same class?”
15.    “I really like the way you choose such nice friends. What qualities do you look for in a friend?”
16.    “I know you really like your new friend Caroline, but whenever I see her she’s being disrespectful to adults. Why don’t you tell me what I’m missing? What do you like about her that I’m not seeing?”
17.    “I can tell it embarrasses you when I insist on meeting your friends’ parents before letting you go to their house, but it’s something I need to do as your mom. Is there a way I could do it that would make you feel more comfortable?”
18.    “How’s it going with your activities and schoolwork? What would make it easier for you to manage your schedule and responsibilities?”
19.    “I feel like I haven’t talked to you in ages. How about we go for a walk and catch up?”
20.    “I’m sureI do things that embarrass you. What do I do that embarrasses you the most?”
Talking with your child should be an ongoing process. Keep the dialogue open, and be available so your child can find you when she feels like chatting.
One final piece of advice from Sheras: “Keep talking even when you think your kids aren’t listening,” he says. “Your children are listening whether they act like it or not.”

By: Barbra Williams Cosentino, RN, CSW

Jack, age nine, constantly gets into trouble in school, squirming in his seat, shouting out answers without being called on, and sometimes standing up for no apparent reason. His homework and classroom assignments are a mess, his backpack is disorganized, and his room at home is in disarray. He has trouble staying focused on schoolwork, but his mom says in frustration, “He can concentrate on Play Station games for hours without losing focus.” Emily, also nine, has been called a daydreamer for as long as she can remember. In class, the teacher frequently observes her doodling in her notebook, curling a strand of her long brown hair around her finger, or staring out of the window. When she sits down to do her homework at night, she often discovers that she forgot to write down the assignment or that she left a book she needs in her desk at school. Although Emily is very bright and never gets into trouble in school, her difficulty with organization and concentration have begun to negatively affect her grades.

Two children, a boy and a girl. Although their behaviors look very different, they have both been diagnosed with having attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), a behavioral disorder characterized by three major symptoms:

• bullet Inattention: the child has difficulty sustaining attention, listening, and attending to details.

• He or she is easily distracted, often loses things, and presents as forgetful and disorganized.

• Impulsivity: the child may have poor frustration tolerance and may have trouble waiting, taking turns, or sharing.

• Hyperactivity: the child seems to be constantly in motion, squirming, fidgeting, running, and climbing more than other children. He or she talks excessively and at inappropriate times.</UL= bullet

Clinicians may diagnose a child with ADHD, combined type, or with attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder, predominantly either inattentive type or hyperactive-impulsive type.

More than one million children in the United States have been diagnosed with this disorder, which until recently was believed to be anywhere from four times to nine times more prevalent in boys than in girls. However, researchers have reported that, partially because girls tend to be inattentive rather than hyperactive and therefore less disruptive in school and at home, many girls go undiagnosed or are mistakenly believed to suffer from anxiety or depression as a primary diagnosis. One oft-quoted study suggests that as many as 75 percent of girls with ADHD may be missed. In 1994, ADHD researchers at a conference sponsored by the National Institutes of Health concluded that there was a need to develop rating scales that are more sensitive to ADHD as it typically manifests itself in girls, since the criteria listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) were and are somewhat limited, not necessarily reflecting the signs and symptoms exhibited by a girl with ADHD who is predominantly inattentive and distractible, rather than hyperactive. Pediatrician Williams Sears, MD, author of The ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) Book, states that boys with ADHD are more likely to act out in school, becoming either the class discipline problem or the class clown, whereas girls tend to be more withdrawn and “spacey.” In some respects, adds Sears, boys enter school with a disadvantage, since the traditional classroom mode of teaching is usually geared more to the female gender. Girls seem to adapt better to the traditional classroom situation, which requires children to sit still for long periods of time. Sears feels that children with ADD often do better with male teachers, who may talk less and who may have a teaching style that helps restless or disorganized children to more consistently pay attention. Not surprisingly, he also finds that fathers tend to be more tolerant of their child’s hyperactive behavior than mothers. Other researchers have found that mothers of girls with ADHD are more critical of their offspring’s behavior than are mothers of sons with ADHD. Harlan R. Gephart, MD, Immediate Past Chair of the American Board of Pediatrics and an ADHD expert, points out that while hyperactive boys tend to be referred for evaluation somewhere between ages five and seven, the referral spike for girls is often in middle school (ages 10-11), when previously well-functioning girls begin to be overwhelmed by the complexity of classroom changes, increased homework assignments, and large class sizes. These girls begin to fall back academically due to their increasingly obvious disorganization, and they also begin to struggle socially.
Research done in the past ten years has also suggested that ADHD affects males and females differently. A 1999 study funded by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIH) compared 140 ADHD girls with 122 control girls and found that:
<UL= bullet Girls with ADHD were more likely to have innattentive symptoms as opposed to hyperactive-impulsive symptoms and disruptive behaviors seen in boys.

Compared to girls without the disorder, girls with ADHD had significantly higher rates of comorbid behavior disorders (conditions that occur at the same time) such as oppositional defiant disorder and conduct disorder. (Although these rates are lower than those seen in boys with ADHD.)

Girls with ADHD displayed higher levels of mood and anxiety disorders (consistent with those seen in boys with ADHD) than in children without ADHD.

As compared to non-affected youngsters, girls with ADHD appear to be at higher risk of increased alcohol and drug usage (including smoking).

Contrary to previous studies which found that girls with ADHD demonstrated greater cognitive impairment than boys, this study found that the magnitude of cognitive impairments was consistent with reports on boys with ADHD. In August 2002, results of the first national survey to explore gender differences in ADHD were released, with findings that have important implications for diagnosis and treatment. The study, carried out by Harris Interactive on behalf of Novartis Pharmaceuticals Corporation (makers of several drugs used to treat ADHD), interviewed more than 3000 people (parents of children with ADHD, adolescents age 12-17 who have ADHD, teachers, and the general public) to document perceptions surrounding the disorder. The survey findings suggest that girls with ADHD face greater impairment in important areas of social development than boys with the disorder, including having more trouble making friends, getting along with parents, or feeling good about themselves. (Fifty-five percent of parents of girls agreed that their daughters’ ADHD affects their self-esteem a great deal, as compared with 46 percent of boys’ parents.) Results of the survey show that girls with ADHD are three times more likely to be treated for depression than boys with ADHD. “Unfortunately, all too often girls with ADHD are missed altogether or misdiagnosed with depression because girls tend to internalize their symptoms. Therefore, the unique difficulties that girls with ADHD encounter are often prolonged,” says Patricia Quinn, MD, Director, National Center for Gender Issues and ADHD and an independent advisor on the survey. The survey results showed that girls’ parents were more willing to seek medical assistance for their child’s symptoms than boys’ parents. Ninety-two percent of parents of girls were “very willing” to seek help, as compared to only 73 percent of boys’ parents. Approximately two-thirds of parents of boys received pressure from family and friends to not put their child on medication, whereas this was the case in only 31 percent of the parents of girls. Most teachers did not realize that girls with ADHD are more likely to have difficulty with social relationships, with three out of ten teachers believing that boys with ADHD were more likely to have difficulty getting along with others. The majority of teachers (85 percent) thought that girls with ADHD are more likely to go undiagnosed, and the majority of them said this is because “girls don’t act out.” Seventy-seven percent of teachers surveyed said they suspect they have children with ADHD in their classes who have not been diagnosed. Approximately 79 percent of the general public surveyed said medications have been helpful for those they know with ADHD, but only 52 percent of the public believes it is “very important” to treat and diagnose this condition. Of the adolescents surveyed, most who were receiving medication for their ADHD felt it was helpful in important aspects of their daily lives, including getting along with parents (82 percent), feeling good about themselves/feeling happy (80 percent) and making friends (67 percent). Almost all the youngsters on medications felt that their treatment has helped them to focus on schoolwork (95 percent) and “to get things done” (94 percent). Although ADHD has long been thought of as “a boy’s problem,” experts agree that the disorder is widely underdiagnosed in girls. As we learn more about gender differences in ADHD, it becomes clear that continuing to educate parents, teachers, healthcare professionals, and the general public about this disorder and how it manifests itself differently in boys and girls is a crucial first step in facilitating early, effective diagnosis and treatment.

In study after study, researchers discover how important it is for parents to be actively involved in their child’s education. Here are some of the findings of major research into parental involvement:
* When parents are involved in their children’s education at home, they do better in school. And when parents are involved in school, children go farther in school — and the schools they go to are better.
* The family makes critical contributions to student achievement from preschool through high school. A home environment that encourages learning is more important to student achievement than income, education level or cultural background.
* Reading achievement is more dependent on learning activities in the home than is math or science. Reading aloud to children is the most important activity that parents can do to increase their child’s chance of reading success. Talking to children about books and stories read to them also supports reading achievement.
* When children and parents talk regularly about school, children perform better academically.
* Three kinds of parental involvement at home are consistently associated with higher student achievement: actively organizing and monitoring a child’s time, helping with homework and discussing school matters.
* The earlier that parent involvement begins in a child’s educational process, the more powerful the effects.
* Positive results of parental involvement include improved student achievement, reduced absenteeism, improved behavior, and restored confidence among parents in their children’s schooling.

How Can Parents Get Involved?
Involvement in your child’s education can mean:
* Reading to your child
* Checking homework every night
* Discussing your children’s progress with teachers
* Voting in school board elections
* Helping your school to set challenging academic standards
* Limiting TV viewing on school nights
* Becoming an advocate for better education in your community and state.

Or, it can be as simple as asking your children, “How was school today?” But ask every day. That will send your children the clear message that their schoolwork is important to you and you expect them to learn.

Some parents and families are able to be involved in their child’s education in many ways. Others may only have time for one or two activities. Whatever your level of involvement, do it consistently and stick with it because you will make an important difference in your child’s life.