Shule101

Have you ever thought about the difference between talking with and talking to someone? Talking with someone puts you and the other person on an even footing. It gives more than one person a chance to express a belief or opinion. Talking to someone, on the other hand, is being — well, patronizing, or worse, domineering, even tyrannical. So only one person has a chance.

Every child knows the difference between being talked with and talked to. But many of us, when we talk — and children are the audience — don’t stop to distinguish between with and to. We respond to the needs of the moment — what must be said. As adults and parents, we feel responsible for what our children do and for what happens to them. We feel especially responsible when we have done our best and a son or daughter is not responding.

Blaming Ourselves

Let’s suppose that eight-year-old David is having trouble reading. He seems to be falling farther and farther behind at school. You have always helped him with his homework. You’ve always gone to parent-teacher conferences. You’ve read to him and had books in the house for him ever since he was small. Now you say to yourself, “What did I overlook when he was a baby? I followed those experts who said that certain toys would have far-reaching effects. But maybe the toys I put in his crib weren’t the right ones.”

You don’t say this aloud of course, because “Where did I go wrong?” sounds far too melodramatic. And besides, you don’t want to make things worse for David by letting him know that you have something for which to blame yourself. Instead, you try to talk to David about how important it is to read — both in school and out. You may even tell him how reading will improve his chances of becoming a happy adult, a doctor or lawyer, or of doing something famous like writing a bestseller.

From your point of view as an adult, that makes good sense. Your experience makes it possible for you to be wise about the skills that make adult life better and easier.

Try Listening Instead

But have you ever tried to find out how David feels about his reading right now? Have you listened to him talk about it and thought what his words meant? Maybe he says that reading a book isn’t as much fun as playing with his friend Tracy, or as interesting as watching the TV programs you allow him to see, or as exciting as working math problems. Maybe the trouble he has had figuring out the words causes him to be shy about reading in class.

In addition to listening to him, try to ask him the kinds of questions that may encourage him to give you specific information about his feelings. Don’t wait for the opportunity to stage a conversation, but talk with him about his day at school while he’s helping you put away the groceries or water the plants. With the data that comes from careful listening you can go to your next parent-teacher conference really prepared to work with David’s teacher to help him improve his reading performance.

When Stress Threatens To Get the Better of Us

Patiently listening is one thing. But what can we do about those times when we can’t help showing our anger in the most spectacular way? This spring Ann amazed you by going out for the baseball team. You’re just getting used to thinking of her making home runs when one afternoon, just as you’ve pulled into the driveway and are lifting your briefcase off the back seat, Anne and five other neighborhood kids approach you looking a little sheepish. Anne tells you hesitantly that one of her home run hits has just broken Mrs. Gavilan’s window. “Mother,” Anne says, “I didn’t mean to, I was just thinking about getting Tommy and José and me back to home plate.”

You’re furious — with the kids, with baseball in general, with Mrs. Gavilan, who doesn’t seem to like children anyway, with that briefcase full of papers you’ve brought home to work on this evening. And there stands Anne, the handiest target for your anger. You explode. “What business has a girl like you, from a family like ours….” Anne is crushed, the neighborhood kids either pin you with their stares or look everywhere but at your face, until finally one of them says, “Oh, Mrs. Mwenda, it wasn’t Anne’s fault,” and Anne murmurs, “It’s OK, Mom. I’ll fix it.” So chagrin is added to all the other burdens of the day, and you go indoors feeling a complete failure as a parent.

Be Honest

It might help to explain yourself right then. You might put out your hand to Anne and say, “I’m sorry. Sometimes I lose my temper when things don’t go according to my plans.” Then find out from Anne and the others how the accident occurred. You might even ask if she wants you to go with her to Mrs. Gavilan to see what can be done about the broken window. That would certainly change your plans for the evening.

But it would assure Anne and her friends of your support, your understanding of the accidental nature of the incident, and your ability to be fair in spite of all your other concerns. And it would disarm Mrs. Gavilan before she could organize her offensive against children “with working mothers.” Such a show of support would also assure Anne and her friends that you weren’t just being mean when you asked them to change the location of the neighborhood game so that no one’s windows were endangered.

Some Suggestions To Foster Better Communication

Whenever you want your children to know what you think and desire of them, you might keep in mind a few things that will help you focus on talking with, rather than talking to them:

* Communicate as clearly as possible exactly what you mean. Listen to your words and think how they might be misinterpreted if they don’t reflect exactly what is on your mind.
* Listen to what your children are saying. Try to understand exactly what their words mean.
* Whenever you talk with your children, take an even, reasonable, conversational tone. If you show anger, make sure later that they understand its cause. You can explain it without being overly apologetic.
* If your children have subjects they are enthusiastic about, let them teach you something about those areas of knowledge.
* Contribute your wisdom. You have had the opportunity to learn a great deal from your experiences. Don’t feel put down when your children say “in your day” or “in olden times, when you were a kid….” Remember that young people are interested in how things were done in the past, and they haven’t lived long enough to have your sense of time.
* Encourage your children’s curiosity, interest in discovery, and intellectual independence. Ask questions that make them think about their interests and want to learn more about them.

Final Thoughts

If a child is having problems in or out of school, don’t waste time blaming yourself. Although you certainly share the responsibility for your children’s development, yours is not the only influence on their behavior. Touch base often with your children about the problems they may be having. Be practical and help them look for solutions, both short and long term.

Keep in mind that you can’t shield your children from the problems of the real world. Nor can you keep accidents from happening. Some attempts at good parenting may be overzealous. By trying to avoid being too protective and solicitous for your children’s concerns you can help them to become truly independent people. An adult who is independent can also appreciate the warmth and support of close human relationships. Talking with a child is one of the best ways to show that you understand the value of that warmth and support and know how to give it.

When your child doesn’t know a word in her reading books, should you tell her what it is? Should you teach your child the alphabet before he starts school? We have compiled reading tips to help parents best help their children learn to read:

Tips for Reading to Preschoolers

* Snuggle with your child with her favorite blanket or toys as you read.
* Read with expression using different voices for different characters.
* Emphasize rhythms and rhymes in stories. Give your toddler opportunities to repeat rhyming phrases.
* Encourage your child to repeat what you say or comment on it. Encourage your child to ask questions. Provide models of interesting questions and examples of possible answers: “I wonder what is going to happen next? I think the rabbit will get lost because he is not paying attention to where he is going. What do you think?”
* Look for books that are about things that interest your toddler. For example, does your child like cars, insects or animals?
* Give your child a chance to choose his own books for reading. If your toddler chooses a book that is too long to hold his attention, read some and skip some, discussing the pictures and how they relate to the story.
* Read stories again and again. Your toddler enjoys repetition, and it helps her become familiar with the way stories are organized.
* If your child is curious and is making comments about letters, there is no reason why she should not become familiar with the alphabet before she starts school. Playing with alphabet blocks and singing “The Alphabet Song” are happy ways for your child to become acquainted with letters.
* Make books a joyous and important part of your child’s life. Read to him every day. Let him talk about the stories. Ask questions about the pictures. Ask him to point out pictured objects that are alike and different in shape and in color. This activity helps children to observe small differences in the shapes of letters and words when learning to read.
* Avoid baby talk. Speak to your child in grownup language now, so she will recognize words she sees and hears in the classroom. Also, baby words for objects may be laughed at by the other youngsters.
* Provide a variety of experiences. Take your child to the zoo, the park, the airport. Teach your child the names of animals, flowers, etc. In order to understand the words encountered in reading, your child should have first-hand experience with the objects they stand for.
* From time to time, give your child simple, consecutive instructions. For example: “Pick up the ball, then bounce it, then put it on the table.” Make a game out of it, if you like. Such activities will help your child develop memory skills and follow directions accurately, both of which are essential in school.
* Set a good example as a reader—read every day at home even if it is a magazine or newspaper.
* Make reading fun, a time that you both look forward to spending together.

Tips for Reading to and with Children in Kindergarten–Class 3

* Keep reading to your child even when he can read. Read books that are too difficult or long for him to read alone.
* Try reading books with chapters and talk about what is happening in the story. Encourage your child to make predictions about what will happen next and connect characters or events to those in other books and stories.
* Talk with your child about reading preferences that are beginning to develop. Ask whether she likes adventure stories, mysteries, science fiction, animal stories or stories about other children. Encourage her to explain the reasons for preferences.
* Talk with your child about favorite authors and help him find additional books by those authors.
* Take turns reading a story with your child. Don’t interrupt to correct mistakes that do not change the meaning.
* Talk about the meaning of new words and ideas introduced in books. Help your child think of examples of new concepts.
* Talk with your child about stories using the notions of the beginning, middle and end of the story to organize thinking and discussion.
* Ask your child to tell why a character might have taken a specific action. Ask for information from the story to support your answer.
* If he wants to read aloud to you from his school book, listen attentively. If he stumbles over a word from time to time, simply tell him what it is. However, if he misses many words in material with which he should be familiar, consult his teacher.
* When she reads aloud to you, don’t try to use teaching techniques, such as having her “sound out” words. Instead, enjoy the story together, laugh over it, discuss the plot, praise her for reading especially well, or for figuring out a word for herself.
* Give children extra opportunities to read. Let them read the directions for that new game or for putting model airplanes together. Ask them to “help you” by reading the cookie recipe or traffic signs.
* Introduce the pleasures of the public library. Let him browse. Get a library card for her. Let him choose books that he wants, rather than books you feel he should read. Buy books for children, too, as the basis for a home library of their own.
* Set a good example as a reader—read every day at home even if it is a magazine or newspaper.
* Make reading fun, a time that you both look forward to spending together.

Tips for Reading to and with Children in Class 4-6

* Take turns reading a book with your child.
* Ask your child to compare a book to another familiar book. How are the characters alike or different? Do the stories take place in similar settings? How are the illustrations the same or different?
* Ask what part of the story or book your child liked best and why.
* Ask if your child liked the ending of the story. Why or why not?
* Ask your child what type of mood the story or chapter in a book creates. Ask how the author creates the mood. For example, does she use certain words, events or settings that create a particular feeling?
* If your child has read more than one book by the same author, ask how the books are similar or different.
* Provide your child with a reliable home dictionary and encyclopedia. Encourage children to look up subjects that puzzle or interest them. In school, reading lessons include library research.
* If your child is not enthusiastic about reading, choose books on subjects sure to interest her or him: books on sports, books of riddles or magic tricks, books on hobbies. Be sure they are not too difficult for your child to read.
* If she’s a television rather than a reading fan, see which programs she prefers and provide suitable books on the same subjects. If Westerns are her favorites, for example, she’ll probably enjoy some of the fine children’s books now available about the early West.
* If a young person is an avid comic book reader (ages 9, 10 and 11 are likely to be), don’t make a big issue out of it. Make sure your child is also provided with other more worthwhile books that offer lively adventure in an easy-to-read format. Most children outgrow the comic book phase, if other literature is available in their homes.
* Set a good example as a reader—read every day at home even if it is a magazine or newspaper.
* Make reading fun, a time that you both look forward to spending together.

When parents are involved in their children’s education, kids do better in school. Want to learn how to help your child achieve and succeed? Read on! You’ll learn why involvement is so important and suggestions for how to get involved.

Why Is Parental Involvement Important?

In study after study, researchers discover how important it is for parents to be actively involved in their child’s education. Here are some of the findings of major research into parental involvement:

* When parents are involved in their children’s education at home, they do better in school. And when parents are involved in school, children go farther in school — and the schools they go to are better.
* The family makes critical contributions to student achievement from preschool through high school. A home environment that encourages learning is more important to student achievement than income, education level or cultural background.
* Reading achievement is more dependent on learning activities in the home than is math or science. Reading aloud to children is the most important activity that parents can do to increase their child’s chance of reading success. Talking to children about books and stories read to them also supports reading achievement.
* When children and parents talk regularly about school, children perform better academically.
* Three kinds of parental involvement at home are consistently associated with higher student achievement: actively organizing and monitoring a child’s time, helping with homework and discussing school matters.
* The earlier that parent involvement begins in a child’s educational process, the more powerful the effects.
* Positive results of parental involvement include improved student achievement, reduced absenteeism, improved behavior, and restored confidence among parents in their children’s schooling.

How Can Parents Get Involved?
Involvement in your child’s education can mean:
* Reading to your child
* Checking homework every night
* Discussing your children’s progress with teachers
* Voting in school board elections
* Helping your school to set challenging academic standards
* Limiting TV viewing on school nights
* Becoming an advocate for better education in your community and state.

Or, it can be as simple as asking your children, “How was school today?” But ask every day. That will send your children the clear message that their schoolwork is important to you and you expect them to learn.

Some parents and families are able to be involved in their child’s education in many ways. Others may only have time for one or two activities. Whatever your level of involvement, do it consistently and stick with it because you will make an important difference in your child’s life.

The hope of every parent is to have children who are responsible, concerned members of society. Discipline is, of course, part of this effort. Research has repeatedly shown that, despite the importance of the peer group, parents usually have much more influence than they realize. Disciplining children takes a great deal of effort, but the main idea is that children and parents can change.

Changing behavior requires much time and well-thought-out reactions. Some parents simply do not have the time, energy or patience to attempt to motivate change in the child or even in themselves. It is not easy, but read on. You will be convinced that it can be done. You can do it!
Positive Steps Toward Better Discipline

Let your children know you like them. Tell your children how much you admire their good qualities. Don’t take their good behavior for granted. Remember to reward them once in a while. These rewards may take the form of extra time reading to your child, time spent in an activity chosen by your child, or even something as simple as a hug.

Listening to your children, hugging them, smiling or talking with them are all rewards, the kind that you can give hundreds of times every day. One of the most powerful rewards for children is the love, interest and attention they receive from their mother and father.

Let your children know exactly what you expect of them — set limits. Youngsters, who would be the last to admit it, find too much freedom frightening. Set limits for the actions that your children are not ready to control themselves. Children need to know exactly what parents expect of them and also how parents will react to their behavior.

It is important to state your requests clearly. For example, it is much easier for the child to follow the direction, “Please put your glass in the center of the table” than “Be careful with your milk. It’s so close to the edge of the table it will fall off.” Set rules that you think are important and be firm in seeing that your children follow them. Above all, do not make rules you have no intention of enforcing.

Encourage responsible decision making. Whenever possible, find areas in which you know your children can make decisions for themselves. If your child approaches you with a request you feel you should deny, try saying, “What would you say if you were in my place? What should I say? What would be my reason?” You’ll find that if you treat children as responsible individuals, their level of responsibility increases rapidly.

Set a good example. Remember that children are great imitators. While you are telling your children why you think they should not steal, cheat or be cruel to others, be sure they cannot cite some example of your behavior that contradicts these values. Be honest yourself — hypocrisy shows.

Encourage your children to respect proper authority. At home, in school and in other areas of their lives, your children need to know the importance of respecting authority. It is a simple fact that some things cannot or will not be changed. Certain rules must be followed. Help your children understand that it is harmful to them, as well as to everyone else, to have constant arguments, fights and problems with peers and adults. Let your child see how his or her misbehavior affects other people.

Have fun with your children. Young people need to interact with adults. Try choosing a regular time each week to do things as a family. Engaging in sports, playing games, sharing hobbies, visiting museums are some of the many activities that parents and children can enjoy together. In addition, initiate your children to join you in some activities in which they may not usually be asked to participate. Also encourage your children to ask questions and to express their own points of view.

What About Punishment?

Thus far, we have approached the subject of discipline from a very positive standpoint. Changing behavior with positive methods is the best way. But it is a rather slow process, and you may find some behaviors of your child that you need to change more quickly.

Punishment, if used properly, will produce rapid changes in behaviors that disrupt the family. It is strongly recommended, however, that you use punishment sparingly. It does encourage the child to refrain from certain behaviors, but your real task as a parent is to teach the child to be a person. By using the more positive methods described earlier, you can teach the child positive ways of behaving.

Effective punishment relies on withholding rewards or privileges and provides a clearcut method of earning them back. Before punishing, it is a good idea to give a cue (a physical or verbal warning that the behavior is to stop at once). Then punishment should follow immediately after the offense so that the child understands the association between the misbehavior and the punishment.

Avoid physical punishment because other forms of discipline (short periods of isolation or withholding privileged activities) focus more on the behavior and less on the self-concept of the child. Hatred builds quickly when punishment hurts the child physically.

Realistically, however, because some physical punishment is likely, care should be taken that it is neither severe nor prolonged. Physical punishment can be harmful to a child and does not accomplish the goal. Besides, no parents want their children to fear them. If a parent slaps or hits a child in anger, the undesirable behavior may stop, but two things are wrong with this method:

* both parent and child are likely to be upset for some time
* no parent can hit a child every time he or she does something undesirable.

Don’t Give Up

Consistency will determine the success of whatever discipline methods you use. Each time you ask your children to do something, you also have a job. Be predictable — follow through. Remember, too, that your children may have been misbehaving for some time. If this is the case, when you start to correct them, they may not think you mean it. They will learn that you mean business when you continue to follow your program consistently.

If you see your children slipping into behaviors you cannot correct by yourself, it may be time to seek outside assistance. When you feel you have exhausted your own efforts, your child’s teacher, school counselor, or principal, your pastor, or a child or adolescent psychologist may be able to suggest some helpful ideas and strategies.

1. Give positive feedback and show appreciation for teachers and the principal.
2. Approach interactions with a positive attitude and an open mind.
3. Listen to others’ viewpoints.
4. Share your child’s strengths, talents, and interests with your child’s teachers.
5. Share expectations and set goals together for your child.
6. Make appointments as needed to discuss your child’s progress or concerns.
7. Attend parent-teacher conferences with specific questions you want to ask.
8. Indicate the best way to giver you information (phone, e-mail, notes, etc.).
9. Understand and reinforce school rules and expectations at home.
10. Participate in informal opportunities to talk with and to get to know school staff and educators.
11. Address concerns or questions honestly, openly, and early on.
12. Attend PTA or parent meetings regularly.
13. Read classroom and/or school newsletters.
14. Visit your school’s web page.
15. Know school staff’s extensions and office hours.
16. Read and know your school’s handbook.
17. Request that information be available in all relevant languages.
18. Share your family’s culture, values, and parenting practices with your child’s school.
19. Share your perceptions with educators and school staff of how parents are treated.
20. Work with school staff and educators to revise and improve perceptions and school climate.
21. Meet your child’s friends and get to know their parents.
22. Contact your school for information on family programs and resources.
23. Help establish a parent center at school and use its resources.
24. Help create a toy/book lending library and visit it regularly.
25. Assist in developing parent support programs/groups and attend them.
26. Attend workshops or seminars on various parenting topics.
27. Participate in parenting classes on child development, expectations, discipline, etc.
28. Attend parent fairs and other events especially for parents and families.
29. Start a parent book club to discuss current publications.
30. Help create and/or contribute to a school newsletter on parenting.
31. Assist in creating and/or offer your services to before- and after-school programs.
32. Build a child file with medical records, pictures, fingerprints, etc.
33. Make donations and/or offer to work at clothing drives or swaps, food co-ops, etc.
34. Ask teachers or counselors about how to talk with your children about tough topics.
35. Discuss your child’s school day and homework daily.
36. Learn your child’s strengths and weaknesses in different areas of school.
37. Provide a quiet, well-lighted place with basic school supplies for studying/homework.
38. Help your children break down projects into smaller, more manageable steps.
39. Develop a consistent daily routine and time for studying and homework.
40. Provide encouragement and approval for effort and schoolwork.
41. Share your interests, hobbies, and talents with your children.
42. Provide children with books, magazines, and so forth, and develop a nighttime reading routine.
43. View selected TV programs together and then review and discuss them.
44. Make family trips to the library, zoo, museum, or park a fun learning experience.
45. Talk with your child’s teacher on creating home learning games and activities.
46. Complete interactive homework assignments with your child.
47. Attend meetings on learning expectations, assessment, and grading procedures.
48. Help set goals and develop a personalized education plan for your child.
49. Participate in activities that help you understand school technology.
50. Help plan and attend family nights on improving study habits, doing homework, etc.
51. Help develop, visit, or offer services to your school’s study/tutor center.
52. Participate in fairs and fests for math, science, history, and so forth.
53. Respond to school surveys on your interests, talents, and skills.
54. Let school staff know your availability to volunteer (days, times, and how often).
55. Supervise and coordinate evening and weekend volunteer activities at school
56. Assist your child’s teacher in the classroom or on field trips when you are able.
57. Work with school staff and teachers to develop volunteer activities you can do from home.
58. Assist school staff and educators in creating a warm and welcoming atmosphere for parents.
59. Help provide child care and/or transportation for volunteering parents.
60. Help develop creative ways to use volunteers at school.
61. Actively help school staff recruit parents and community members as volunteers.
62. Attend training and orientation on how to be an effective volunteer.
63. Learn and uphold school discipline, confidentiality, and other policies as a volunteer.
64. Plan a regular time each week to talk with school staff and educators with whom you are working.
65. Help developed volunteer job descriptions and evaluations.
66. Participate in organizing and planning ways to recognize and appreciate volunteers.
67. Respond to school surveys/questionnaires on how effective volunteer programs are.
68. Help develop and distribute a volunteer directory to parents, school staff, and teachers.
69. Provide volunteer consulting services to school staff or educators in your area of expertise.
70. Learn of school and district policies and practices that affect children.
71. Voice your support or concerns on any issue that will affect your family.
72. Be involved in decisions on student placement and course and textbook selections.
73. Participate in meetings to determine special educational needs and services.
74. Attend workshops on problem solving, conflict resolution, public speaking, and so forth.
75. Serve on school advisory councils or committees on curriculum, discipline, and so forth.
76. Serve on a site-based school management team with teachers and the principal.
77. Encourage and support older children in serving in student leadership positions.
78. Help your school create a student’s rights and responsibilities guide for families.
79. Attend PTA, school board, and/or town meetings and speak to issues of concern.
80. Learn representatives’ backgrounds and participate in school board election.
81. Work with teachers and school administrators to develop a parent involvement policy.
82. Write, call, or travel to the capital to support or oppose proposed legislation.
83. Participate in petition drives or letter-writing campaigns to Congress on legislation.
84. Give testimony at public hearings in support of or opposition to education legislation.
85. Vote in local, state elections for public officials who support education.
86. Help your school develop a directory of social and community services.
87. Find out information on community resources and organizations and use them.
88. Help develop and/or distribute a community newsletter to local agencies and businesses.
89. Help coordinate and participate in an event to raise money for a local charity.
90. Talk with employers about holding parent meetings or parenting workshops on-site.
91. Advocate for flexible work schedules and leave time to attend school functions.
92. Encourage employers and local businesses to make donations and support school programs.
93. Help organize and/or participate in community health fairs.
94. Help recruit community members (seniors, business people) to volunteer at school.
95. Become active in community groups such as YMCA and Boy and Girl Scouts.
96. Serve on local community advisory councils and committees.
97. Work with local authorities and public officials to sponsor community events.
98. Help organize and/or participate in a community “clean up” or “beautification” project.
99. Encourage and help facilitate your child’s participation in community service.
100. Be a role model—be active in community service yourself or together with your child.